JOKES - about / with children

NO  SALE   "Is your mother home?" the salesman asked  the small boy. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting  over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again.  Still no one came to the door. Turning  to the boy, the fellow said,  "I thought you said your mother was home!?" The kid replied, "She is;  but this isn't where I live."  *** Little Brother: "If you broke your arm  in two places, what would you do ?" Boy: "I wouldn't go back to those two  places, that's for sure." *** Big Brother: "That planet over there is Mars." Little Brother: "Then that other one must be Pa's." *** Father: "I hear you skipped school to play  football." Son: "No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it !" *** IN  BAKER'S  SHOP An irate woman burst into the baker's shop  and said, " I sent my son in for two pounds  of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound.  I suggest that you check your scales." The baker looked at her calmly for a moment  or two and then replied,  " Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son." *** NAME  CHANGE "Mum, can I please change my name right now?" asked Ben. "But why would you want to do that, dear ?"  said his mum. "Because Dad said he's going to spank me as  sure as my name's Benjamin !" ***  IN  THE  FIRE  STATION  Little Jimmy's preschool class went on a field trip  to the fire station. The firefighter  giving the presentation held up a smoke  detector and asked the class:  "Does anyone know what this is ?" Little Jimmy's hand shot up and the firefighter  called on him. Little Jimmy replied: "That's how Mommy  knows supper is ready!"  ***  ON  THE  PHONE Raj had been talking on the phone for about  half an hour before he hung up.  His father said, "Wow! That was short.  You usually talk for an hour.  What happened?" Raj replied, "It was a wrong number." *** TEASING There was a little boy named Johnny who  used to hang out at the local corner market.  The owner didn't know what Johnny's  problem was, but the boys would constantly  tease him. They would always comment  that he was two bricks shy of a load,  or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it,  sometimes they would offer Johnny  his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and  a dime (10 cents) and John would  always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger. One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said,  "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you.  They think you don't know the dime is worth  more than the nickel. Are you grabbing  the nickel because it's bigger, or what?" Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store  owner and a big grin appeared on his face  and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime,  they'd stop doing it, and so far  I have saved $20!" ***  THE  FIANCE  After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young  man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph. "I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied. "Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied.  "But what will you do to provide a nice house  for my daughter?" "I will study, and God will surely provide  for us," Joseph explained. "And how will you buy her a nice  engagement ring?" "I will study hard, and God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How  will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied  the fiance. The conversation continued in much the same  fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left,  her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job  and no plans, but the good news is that he  thinks I'm God."  *** TALKING  CLOCK A young man moved away from his parents  to become a student. Proudly  showing off his new apartment to a couple  of his friends late one night, he led the way  to his bedroom where there was a big  brass gong. "What's that big brass gong?" one of  the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,"  the man replied. "A talking clock? Seriously? Asked his  astonished friend. "Yup," replied the student. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked,  squinting at it. "Watch," the student replied. He picked  up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering  pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for  a moment. Suddenly, someone on the  other side of the wall screamed: "You idiot, it's ten past three in the morning!"